How to be a Heartbreaker
by justsomeone2010
Summary: The AOT/SNG AU nobody asked for but got anyway. Yuuri Katsuki has looked up to Captain Victor Nikiforov for years. So when his idol saves him while out on his first mission with the scouts, it's both the best and the worst thing to happen to him. He never thought he'd see Victor again after that. He certainly never thought he'd see him in the showers for his barracks...
1. Chapter 1

Yuuri Katsuki was a good student. A brilliant student. He did wonderfully in his classes - top marks in the classrooms and above average in his practical training through sheer stamina and resilience mostly. He was good.

But the field was nothing like the classroom.

Yuuri wracked his brain desperately like his life depended on it - only this time it did; three seven foot titans stared down at him backed up against the tree with blood thirsty eyes.

 _Think, dammit_ , he willed desperately, as his heart thudded uncontrollably in his chest at his impending death. A bead of sweat ran down the side of his forehead. He must have learned something to help him escape, done some kind of drill…

It was hopeless though, even if he had. His mind was too frantic, too scattered to form any kind of focussed thought in that moment, let alone revisit each lesson in his three year training for something useful to save his skin. Breaths came in short, sharp bursts, less and less oxygen reaching his dwindling brain cells by the second. He was panicking, and it was going to be the end of him.

He never would have been there if he'd just remembered to double check the fuel gage on his ODM gear before they'd set out though. One mistake, and now he was stuck in the middle of the forest while his comrades battled around him, stranded on the ground with an empty tank. He knew better than that. He really did. But it was his first mission outside the walls and he'd been nervous, hands fumbling as he'd fixed his gear, trying to remember everything before the gates had lifted and his brain had short circuited. It was a rookie mistake, one that had left him practically helpless.

"Yuuri!"

He heard Phichit's voice but it was too far away. It would never reach him before the Titan's fingers lunged forward.

His hands switched to the scabbard of his blade but he knew it wouldn't do him any good now. Cold sweat gathered at the base of his neck, watching his impending doom loom in on him. His heart was in his mouth. He was going to die …

Titan bodies crashed against the tree trunk. Yuuri didn't hesitate, throwing himself forward. He moved fast, diving under their legs and leaping over their reaching fingers, but it was only delaying the inevitable unless he could get in the air. His blade slashed and blood spurted, teeth gritted in determination. It was better than crying - not that he had much conscious choice about it in that moment. Adrenaline drove him, instinct pulling at his gut.

Something slammed into his side, sweeping him off the ground and knocking the breath out of him.

And his blade.

It wasn't Titan fingers curled around his middle though, he quickly realised. It was a human arm; strong and lean, with trembling fingers in fingerless leather gloves clinging to him as they soared through the air.

Behind him, Yuuri heard the crash of breaking bark from where he'd been just seconds before.

The flash of green and silver caught his eye and his fingers clung to the scout cloak whirling around him, hauling himself up. He didn't want to fall. Not now.

Suddenly something solid skidded under his feet but he slammed into the tree trunk before he had enough bearings to slow himself. He cried out when his shoulder made contact. He dropped to his knees at the sickening crunch of bone grinding against bone, but there was no snap. No break. Then he would really have been in trouble. He dropped to his knees, breathless. Wide eyes stared down at the Titan laden ground beneath him, unable to believe he was still alive to see it.

The branch they stood on was just out of reach of the Titans grasp, but he knew they wouldn't be safe for long. The monsters would figure it out soon enough. Then they'd be running for their lives again.

His fingers curled against the bark. It was cowardly. Running. But how many people had already died that day? A lot, the world below a lot thinner of humans than when they had arrived and wet with blood. The rest of them would have to turn back soon, Yuuri thought. Before the whole squad got wiped out. Before he got killed too.

But that wasn't his call to make. He pushed himself up to his feet, fists curled at his side. His rescuer stood at the tip of the branch.

Yuuri's breath caught. Short, wavy silver hair blew in the breeze with his cloak, stood at the edge of the branch with his blade drawn. His eyes stared down at the chaos beneath them, and even though Yuuri couldn't see them, he could sense they were focused with intent. He knew they were bright blue, like a wildfire of diamond. The fingers of his spare hand fumbled at the pouch at his belt without looking, tossing Yuuri a small canister.

Fuel.

He caught it effortlessly and made quick work restoring his OBM gear, breathing a sigh of relief as it whirred subtly back to life. Out there, it really was the difference between life and death.

"There." His saviour's sharp voice barked, though somehow still as smooth and sweet as honey. He glanced over his shoulder.

Yuuri had been right about his eyes.

Alert pools of crisp swirling aquamarine pinned him in place, as if they could see right through him, framed with long dark eyelashes. There was the tiniest of scars between his eye and ear, short and thin just above his right cheek, the old wound healed over just a shade paler than the rest of the his otherwise perfect, porcelain skin. His short grey hair moved with the breeze at the back of his head, bangs at the front rolling over his left eye.

Yuuri recognised him in a heartbeat - Captain Victor Nikiforov. The reason he'd joined the scouts in the first place. Yuuri had dreamed of the day he would finally get to meet him, practicing what he would say down to the very last word.

The blaze in Victor's eyes wasn't in the mood for talking though.

He was everything Yuuri thought he would be: rage and hellfire, wrapped in the body of a man than nearly glowed with beauty. The blade in his hand dripped with Titan blood and the look in his eyes was almost feral, blown with the primal desire to kill until he was the last thing standing.

Yuuri felt a ripple of fear jolt through him pressing himself firmer against the tree trunk before he realised what he was doing.

Those blazing eyes scorched a trail over him, measuring him up and down. Victor lingered ever so slightly longer on his face than Yuuri expected. It wasn't something he'd dwell on, Yuuri was sure - there was no way Victor Nikiforov would remember him, after all. Yuuri was small, and plain, and forgettable. Sure enough, Victor's gaze rolled away half a second later, back to the madness unfurling below.

He had vanished before YuurI had finished his next blink, crouching low and leaping back into the sea of blood and violence below.

* * *

By some miracle, Yuuri made it back alive.

His spoon dug grimly into his food in the cafeteria cabin, pushing the potatoes round the bowl but not actually eating anything. He didn't feel hungry - the scouts had faced losses of fifty per cent on that last excursion.

So many people had died, friends, brothers and comrades. Those who came back were just grateful to still be breathing, knowing the chances of them doing so again after their next mission were significantly reduced now. Everything was going wrong. So many lives lost in pursuit of claiming back their world, something that seemed more like just a child's fantasy than a real-world goal with every passing day.

It was all his fault, he thought, knuckles white with the grip he held around his spoon. If only he'd been stronger - better! - perhaps he would have been able to kill more, save more, make a difference….

Instead he'd been rescued by the most decorated Captain alive and had killed a grand total of zero Titans.

"I thought you were a gonner back there." Phichit said from across the table. He'd made it back too.

Yuuko had survived as well, but she hadn't been in the mood for eating, going straight to her bunk. Yuuri half wished he'd had the same idea.

His mind flashed back to that moment in the forest where he'd nearly lost his life before his idol had saved him. Phichit would never have reached him in time, he understood now. Without Victor, he would have been killed for sure.

 _He must think I'm a total idiot_ , Yuuri thought bitterly.

He couldn't make the same mistakes again. He'd been careless with his fuel, hadn't been able to slay any Titans with his squad mates and it had cost the team lives.

Yuuri wondered what would have happened to Victor. He was so fast, what Titan could have caught him? Maybe he'd run out of fuel from the speed. Or perhaps he'd just been overwhelmed. Maybe he'd made a mistake. So many things could have happened, and one wrong move was all the opportunity the Titans needed to snatch you out of the air. Then you were dead.

His spirits sunk lower just thinking about it. "Yeah, me too." He mumbled unenthusiastically.

There was no way Victor Nikiforov was dead.

Word would have spread if he was and more importantly, Yuuri had seen his blood stained silver hair catch the light of the sun as he'd led the survivors back to the wall. Victor was alive. Probably wishing for a better team than the likes of Yuuri Katsuki.

"Have you checked the list?"

The list of the dead. Yuuri could feel it burning into his back from the wall across the room.

Yuuri's mouth twisted in a grimace. "No."

A part of him didn't want to know. He wasn't sure he wanted to know how many of his childhood friends were lost, how many cadets he'd trained with had met their sticky end. Phichit was here. Yuuko was here. He couldn't ask for much more than that.

He'd watched people get snatched out of the sky right in front of him, heard the dying screams of those he'd laughed with over the breakfast table just earlier that same morning. Minami had been one of them. That stung. The only consolation was that he hadn't suffered, crushed by accident under a fallen Titan when his OBM gear had jammed - probably before he'd even realized anything was wrong. It still didn't make it okay though. Like Yuuri had joined the scouts for Victor, he knew Minami had joined the scouts for him, following him with round, bug eyes that Yuuri couldn't bear to think about now.

He pushed away his bowl, knocking it against Phichit's. "I'm done." He said, standing up from the bench. His eyes were low. "You have it."

Yuuko had been right - food wasn't what he needed right now. In fact, Yuuri wasn't sure what it was that he needed. He just couldn't stop thinking about Minami, feeling the young cadet's name burn from the list of the dead across the room like it was screaming at Yuuri. It was his fault he had been out there. It was his fault he was dead.

Nobody stopped him as he trudged to the door.

Eyes stared ahead blankly as his legs carried him… where? Not to his bunk. He crossed the dark yard, moonlight shining brightly in the starry sky above, knowing he should take the time to stop, look, and savour it - be grateful to be alive - but he couldn't think. Not about that.

It should have been him.

That was all he could think about. It should have been him - not Minami.

Numb fingers unclipped his harness from across his chest and it hit the floor with a click. A click? Yuuri blinked, and realised he wasn't outside anymore.

A door shut loudly behind him and Yuuri jumped, a strangled yelp tearing through his throat. It took a few seconds for his eyes to adjust. When they did, they drank in bench lined walls, hooks on the walls and tiled floors… showers. He was in the showers. A frown furrowed his brow; why here? They'd all showered when they'd first gotten back from the mission, washing away the grime and blood like it would somehow dull the pain.

The water had run red and Yuuri had stared at the blood swirling down the drain like it was taking his sanity with it, like he was staring into Hell itself. He hadn't felt clean. He'd just felt like he was drowning in more ways than one.

So why was he back? More drowning? More suffering? Yuuri wasn't sure, but it didn't stop him shrugging his jacket off his shoulders and letting it slump on the bench, dragging himself forward to the slightly ajar door to the shower cubicles. Everything was quiet, empty. Nobody else was drowning in guilt the same way he was.

He didn't bother stripping any more of his clothes as he wandered half way through the showers, nipping into a random cubicle to his right. His footsteps were silent, even with his boots still on.

It took three attempts to twist the shower knob enough to start the water. Yuuri's fingers couldn't stop fumbling, his eyes blurred with tears and his glasses fogged with the lingering humidity in the shower rooms. He was a mess. When the water finally splattered down over his face - matting his wet hair over his forehead and dotting the lens of his glasses - Yuuri felt something inside him break.

His first sob seemed to echo around the showers. It bounced off the tiles and ran his knees weak at the sound, bracing his forearm against the wall and leaning into the warm torrent of water. His lip quivered. His eyes scrunched. His cheeks ached. More cries ached behind his rib cage but this time no sound came out, trapped with the screaming inside his head. Was that his screaming or Minami's? Or any of the other soldiers? Yuuri's hand slapped at the shower dial until the water ran louder, touching his forehead against the wet sleeve of his shirt against the wall.

The material clung to his skin, shirt see through now it was wet. He knew he looked just as vulnerable on the outside as he felt on the inside, stripped bare with his emotions, ready to be taken apart. His body trembled, muscles quivering in a way he didn't understand. He'd never felt like this before.

His tears mingled with the shower water until he couldn't tell them apart. Maybe that was why he'd gone there…

 _Clatter._

Yuuri's eyes snapped open.

He shut the shower off quickly and froze, sobs stilling and ears pricking for sound. What was that noise? The showers were supposed to be empty.

He hadn't bothered to check for company when he'd come in but there hadn't been any clothes at the benches and no water had been running, so he had just assumed… wrong. He'd assumed wrong. A lump caught in Yuuri's throat as he slowly turned in his cubicle, wincing when his socks squelched slightly in his boots. _Fuck._

There was still no sound. No water running. No voices. No footsteps. Everything was silent. But Yuuri was sure he had heard something - not just the distant screams of the dying in his head - something real. Hard. Plastic? Something that clattered sharply when it hit the tiles. Metal? Who would bring something metal to the showers? Yuuri guessed he wasn't exactly one to talk as he stood there drenched in nearly his full military gear, water dripping in front of his face from the tips of his sodden hair.

The blood pounded in his ears as he stepped out of his cubicle with slow, measured steps like a hunter stalking his prey. There was someone there. He could feel it. Something primal sparked in his system and he felt the hairs on his arms raise in alarm. He wasn't alone.

He stared down the length of the showers, gaze scouring the cubicles either side of him. Each one had a loose curtain covering that had been tucked to the side once the showers had been emptied and they were still in place. Whoever was there hadn't cared about privacy. By rights, they shouldn't need to - nobody else was supposed to be there. It was just bad luck, bad timing.

And Yuuri wasn't in the mood to share.

Each step betrayed him, water squelching in his boots and alerting his comrade to his ever nearing presence. Yuuri wasn't sure what he'd do when he'd find them. Scream? Shout? Cry?

His hackles were raised even if his heart still felt shattered. He wanted to be alone, didn't want anybody else to see him like this. Anybody would think he was crazy. Maybe he was crazy. Could you lose your mind after just one mission beyond the walls? Everybody else seemed to hold it together so well. Victor Nikiforov hadn't even blinked when he'd swept in and saved Yuuri earlier; always perfect, always in control no matter how many missions he led. Yuuri needed to be more like him. As hard as steel. Strong and untouchable.

And naked.

Yuuri blinked back to the shower room and his lips parted in shock. Victor was there. In the showers. Victor was _there._

He was on the left side, stood in the middle of the dry cubicle with his clothes and boots scattered around him, but no water. He hadn't turned on the shower yet, Yuuri realised. The more he looked at the Captain, the more he wondered whether Victor even _could_ turn on the shower. His beautiful blue eyes glittered wide and stunned, staring dead ahead but not seeing anything. There was none of the merciless wrath from earlier, none of the control. He looked like his heart had stopped.

Yuuri only knew because his literally had, watching the same horror he felt morph on Victor's face in front of him as he blinked and _saw_ Yuuri at last. What was that expression? Pain? Regret? Had he hurt himself in the field? Or was he just guilty that he'd saved someone like Yuuri instead of those countless other soldiers who had deserved to come home more than he had? Like Minami…

He was naked. His silver bangs dropped down his cheek, wavy and crusted with dried blood. Sweat glistened over the toned planes of his chest, the strong muscles of his shoulders, and red stained the corner of his mouth where his lip had split. It was fresh.

Yuuri's eyes darted down before he could help it and fire instantly fled across his cheeks, gaze snapping to the ceiling just a second too late.

Not before he'd seen _everything._

He heard Victor gulp more than he saw it, but his traitorous vision caught the bob of the captain's Adam's apple out of the corner of his eye. Yuuri's mouth ran dry. _Oh god._

He should go. He should leave and run around the cabins for a few hours - leave Victor alone for his shower - but his body wouldn't move frozen in place. Victor seemed the same. It was a stalemate, one that was crushing Yuuri more and more with every second. Tears pricked at his eyes and he chewed the inside of his cheek to keep them at bay. _I'm sorry_ , he wanted to say. He should have done more for the Captain. If Yuuri had just remembered his fuel, he wouldn't have needed saving and Victor could have saved someone else. Could have saved Minami, maybe.

Victor's mouth hung open too, but just like Yuuri, no words came out. What was there to say? Everything was a mess. One huge mess. Yuuri's captain hated him and would probably put him on the front line of the next mission just to get rid of him quickly and _accidentally,_ and-

Cold lips smashed against Yuuri's before he could finish his thought.

He yelped into Victor's mouth.

Hands grabbed him roughly. One was firm around his bicep and yank Yuuri against Victor's soft naked body, fingers losing themselves in the thick tangles of his wet hair. Victor kissed like he fought; holding nothing back, fierce and driving, tongue dominating Yuuri's like he needed him more than he needed air to breathe. His eyes were fluttered shut, surrendering everything he had to Yuuri, to wrapping his arms tight around him…

It took a minute for Yuuri's brain to catch up. When it did, he sighed shakily into Victor's mouth, hand moving to the back of Victor's shoulder. To pull him off? To pull him close? Yuuri wasn't sure.

Victor was beautiful.

Eyelashes fanned out over his blood tainted cheeks, the crimson a stark comparison against the marble paleness of his skin. The tension in his brow had smoothed away. Muscles jumped under the smooth skin of his back. His lips pressed against Yuuri's with an intensity that took Yuuri's breath away and his fingers cradled Yuuri's head close like there was nothing he needed more than the length of Yuuri's body pressed against his.

Yuuri could feel every firm ridge of Victor's solid abs through the thin material of his damp shirt, practically able to feel the thump of the captain's racing heartbeat through his chest. Or was that his own?

He didn't understand what was happening. Well, _what_ was happening was obvious, but _how_ and _why…_ Captain Victor Nikiforov was _kissing_ him.

And worse, Yuuri could feel his body responding.

Of course, it would be. Yuuri had dreamt of Victor Nikiforov for the last seven years and knew that he admired the captain way beyond what a polite cadet should. He was _Victor Nikiforov!_ He was beautiful, he was deadly, and he had looked like a god when he'd saved Yuuri all those years ago, blood splattered in his hair and sunshine bouncing off him while he stood on the ruined remains of Yuuri's family home, bangs fluttering in the breeze. Yuuri would never forget it, and he would never forget this. Whatever this way. However impossible it had to be.

When Yuuri finally closed his mouth and built up the courage to push his lips back against the Captain's, he swore he heard Victor whine. The fingers in his hair twitched.

"I thought I'd lost you," sighed against Yuuri's mouth, softer than he'd ever heard the Captain.

This wasn't the man that slayed, and stayed as composed as polished marble - the man clinging to him was a man barely holding it together, needing something solid to hold on to. Or someone. Victor Nikiforov was crumbling in front of him.

It only made Yuuri fall in love with him even more.

He didn't understand Victor's words but it wasn't a surprise. His brain wasn't working properly. All he could process was the melodic sound of Victor's voice, the firmness of his body and the soft tresses of his hair as Yuuri reached up to lose his fingers in it like he'd always dreamed. He hadn't started this, but he was damned sure he wasn't going to waste it. He would take what he could and give everything he had to this man until Victor pushed him away.

Victor didn't push though - he pulled. Hands fisted in the wet material of Yuuri's shirt and dragged him across the shower, turning them until Yuuri's back hit the wall with a slap. Seconds later, the shirt was nothing but torn shreds in Victor's fingers.

Yuuri groaned against Victor's mouth as cool palms pressed against his skin - still warm from the shower water - and roamed up and around his neck and down around his waist. It was better than he'd imagined.

Mere inches of space had ghosted between them while Victor explored Yuuri's torso, but Yuuri couldn't bear the distance. It felt like a million miles. That and the softening kisses, Victor's lips slowing leisurely against his instead of his hungry attack from moments ago… was Victor changing his mind? Yuuri's heart skipped a beat as he realised just how much he didn't want this to end.

His hand wound around Victor, finding the small of his back. He pulled them back flush roughly, trapping Victor's hands between them against his chest.

If only he'd showed this much fight out in the field earlier…

"I'm sorry." he found himself mumbling - almost whimpering. "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean-"

"It's okay."

Gentle hands closed either side of his face and Victor's forehead rested against his as their lips parted for a moment. The cerulean eyes glowing at him now weren't the same ice chipped orbs that had glowered at him earlier. They were soft and tender, loving and -

Yuuri didn't dare let himself finish. It was too much for him. Tears welled in his eyes and he glanced down, unable to hold Victor's gaze. A ragged gasp tore through him, feeling his heart crumble all over again. Soft fingertips ran down the side of his face, but they weren't comforting - they just made him fall apart faster.

The first tears blinked to freedom down his cheeks as Yuuri felt strong arms close around his shoulders, fingers weaving gently through his hair. They guided him to the crook where Victor's neck met his shoulder. Soft cooing mumbled in his ear and Yuuri lost himself to it, crying messily into his hero's bare shoulder and wrapping his arms around Victor's waist to hold him close. He needed it. He wasn't sure what it was, but he needed it. Victor's body swayed ever so softly from side to side and his fingers combed delicately through Yuuri's hair, his calming voice jolting ever so slightly with his own shaky breaths.

He should be dead. Maybe he had died, and this was all some form of paradise that he was experiencing. It would make more sense that way at least, way more sense!

Yuuri wasn't sure how long he cried for but he remembered what it was that jolted him out of it; a dull ache in his groin, growing more and more every passing minute until it was almost painful. He was still hard? Even crying on Victor's shoulder he was still hard?!

Yuuri buried his face into Victor's soft skin even more, feeling his face burn with more than just the flush from crying. His hips rolled forward instinctively, and Yuuri gasped when they made contact with Victor's body. His very _hard_ body.

Then it was Victor's turn to drop his head down to Yuuri's shoulder, back muscles trembling slightly under Yuuri's touch.

"Yuuri."

It was a whisper. A prayer. The most beautiful and erotic thing that Yuuri could have ever dreamt of, firing his blood to life with just that one breathed word. His hands settled on Victor's hips instinctively, thumbs grazing over the v-line of muscle that joined Victor's hips to his thighs. His breath caught at his own bravery; what was he doing?

Victor didn't seem to mind though, rolling into Yuuri's touch and turning his face into Yuuri's neck. Lips attached themselves to his throat, kissing tenderly but firmly. Yuuri pressed open mouthed kisses to the tip of Victor's shoulder.

His breath hitched when he felt his trousers slide over his hips, clinging ever so slightly in their dampness. Victor's smooth hands worked them free though, palming the soft flesh of Yuuri's behind.

When their erections touched, it felt like a livewire.

Yuuri's mouth fell open at the sensation and his hand moved to Victor's hips, holding him _there_ while he ground against him. It was insane. Victor sighed hotly against his skin before his chin angled a little more to the side, snagging Yuuri's mouth once again with his own. It tasted saltier this time; was Yuuri still crying?

Victor's hips were moving too, both seeking out the pleasure that was slowly firing through their bloodstream, melting their bodies together in a way that was almost _too_ good. Yuuri wanted to stay like that forever, sucking on Victor's tongue and grinding against his dick until the world collapsed.

Until Victor curled his hand around them.

Yuuri wasn't sure who groaned first, but they both did as Victor's fingers closed around their cocks, thumb swirling over their tips and spreading the moisture that leaked between them.

Fingers dug hard into Victor's biceps hard enough to bruise. Gasping breaths caught between their locked lips. Hips thrusted up into Victor's fist and the friction was delicious, pulsing through Yuuri like wildfire. He needed more. More of Victor. More friction. More everything.

His knees went weak when Victor's hand stroked between them and he fell back against the tiled wall of the bathroom, Victor's spare hand bracing on the wall beside Yuuri's head. The Captain's mouth hungrily attached to the side of his neck. Yuuri couldn't help but cry out as Victor sucked in perfect timing with the thrust of his hand, blood vessels bursting under Victor's lips. Yuuri felt like his heart was going to burst right out of his chest.

He surrendered to the passion, surrendered to the mind numbing pleasure that was quickly overwhelming him. Perhaps it was the adrenalin. Perhaps he was just sick. Either way he was crying, and kissing, and was impossibly close, heat coiling in his gut.

When Victor's hand picked up, Yuuri knew he had to be close too. His gasps were hot against Yuuri's mouth, fingers curling against the wall, and the heat between them in the humid air misted Yuuri's glasses. He didn't care - all he cared about was the pressure tightening in his groin, building higher and higher with every pump of Victor's firm fist. It wouldn't be long, he thought, thrusting wildly into Victor's hand. He was chasing down the pleasure, so close to seeing stars.

Victor came first.

The Captain's hand dropped from the wall to Yuuri's shoulder and clung on for dear life as his orgasm ripped through him, mouthing silently against Yuuri's shoulder.

Yuuri wasn't far behind. The wetness spilling between them and the absolutely wanton, vulnerable expression on Victor's beautiful face tipped him over the edge and Yuuri felt his mind go blank. The back of his skull knocked against the bathroom tiles behind him, but he barely registered the pain. All he felt was relief. It washed over him like a blessing as he exploded in Victor's grip with a soft cry, knees running weak and shuddering in Victor's arms.

His hips rolled up into Victor's grip through the aftershocks of his orgasm, suddenly gasping for air as he realised he'd stopped breathing. Wide brown eyes stared up at the ceiling. Slowly, his mind fluttered back to his body. Bit by bit, his rampant heartbeat started to steady in his rib cage.

And Yuuri started to become more and more aware of the body pressed against his, the lips nuzzling sweet kisses into the side of his neck. The gravity of what had just happened started to sink in.

He'd just had sex with Victor Nikiforov.

In the _showers._

Despite himself, Yuuri couldn't help his fingers digging into the soft flesh of Victor's shoulders though, clinging to the Captain while he worshipped Yuuri's neck and collarbones like a treasured prize. He couldn't help it. His dreams had come true, and with them a very real fear as he realised what he'd just done. He swore in his head, blood running cold despite the warm body pressed skin to skin against his - he would get sent to the front line for sure after this. After all, dead men didn't talk.

* * *

 **A/N**

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	2. Chapter 2

**_Seven years ago…_**

Everything was going to Hell - or maybe Victor Nikiforov was already there. Where else could he be? Where else could Titans have breached the walls?

The ragged arch in the stone wall glared at the young Captain from across the city, Titans pouring through one by one and … just devouring. Victor was watching the world end. And in a matter of minutes, it would all be right on top of him.

He could see instantly that the city was doomed. It was a humble settling not a built up town, every house short and plain. There were precious few rooftops tall enough to make a stand from, to be out of the Titan's grasp - too few. They didn't have a chance. The city was lost the moment the wall had crumbled, and all the people…

 _Dead,_ Victor couldn't help but think as the screams echoed in his ears from around him. They would all soon be dead.

Even him.

His long silver hair whipped around him, dancing in the breeze like it was just a normal summer's day instead of the worst disaster in the history of humanity. Victor blinked through the silver strands like they were a curtain to a dream, like none of it was real. Only it was real - with death marching closer and the end of life as humanity knew it with it...

" _Help me_!"

Victor jolted back to life.

The scream echoed in his ears, stricken with fear and followed by the grisly crunch of bone and squelch of mangled flesh. He blinked up, feeling his eyes shoot wide. Another person dead.

 _Where_?

His eyes scoured the city - small bodies running and large ones spilling slowly through the streets, plucking the unlucky ones from alleyways, houses, where they'd fallen on the street...Victor's hand moved instinctively to the blade at his belt, finger's only just not trembling. He had to do something.

He was a soldier. He'd trained for this! It wasn't his first time seeing a Titan; he'd held the highest kill record of anybody in the Scouts for five consecutive years for a reason!

But it was one thing fighting a Titan out there, in their world where they went looking for a fight. This was _inside_ the walls. This was their home. This was where it was supposed to be safe. All that was crumbling around him as the streets ran red with blood while Victor Nikiforov stood there watching with his mouth hanging open and his heart stopped dead in his chest. Horror dripped steadily through his bloodstream, every cell in his body numb and frozen.

Another scream somewhere.

Another person dead.

He could have stopped it.

Victor's jaw snapped shut suddenly, eyes narrowing and slowly swirling with cruel, bitter hatred; he was better than this. Blinking into focus, his burning aquamarine gaze settled on the gaping hole in the wall. It was time he proved it.

The city was lost. He knew that already. He may be Victor Nikiforov, but even he couldn't save an entire city by himself with a huge hole in the wall that he had no hope of sealing. No, he couldn't hold the city - but he could hold off as many Titans as he could to give the surviving city folk more time to escape behind Wall Maria to safety. At least, he hoped it would be to safety. He didn't really want to think about the alternative.

Victor's boots slapped noisily against the cobbled street as he leapt down from the rooftop - and ran. Towards the breach. He tried to focus on the beat of his footsteps instead of everything else; like the fear lifting the hairs at the back of his neck, the the bead of nervous sweat running down his brow, or the sudden dryness in his throat… he wasn't used to being so low on the ground around Titan's, the buildings - however short - cutting off vital spheres of vision around him and sending twangs of vulnerability through his system. He didn't dare use his ODM gear though. Not yet. Not until he had a better idea of how long he might need that fuel to last him.

His shoulder cut through the panicked crowds running against him, fighting his way forward to the bloodshed. That was where he needed to be, to buy these more people more time to get out. Everybody was delirious with panic, all running with blind fear in their eyes and - the closer Victor got to the hole - crimson splattered on their faces.

Except for one.

Victor had nipped into a side street when he spotted the boy, the thin road leading right towards the hole. The world around him was hell. Lumps of dislodged stone crushed houses and smeared bodies across the street, blood everywhere Victor looked.

And Titans. Titans loomed just one row of houses away.

Victor ran past the kid, hand reaching for his blade instinctively. He followed the boy's gaze - right down to the six meter Titan crouched in front of them. It was distracted, rooting through the ruined remains of a house while blood and wood scattered across the street and cut short its path. Something underneath the wood screamed. Victor pressed on, drawing his blade.

The best thing he could do for that boy to survive was kill the monster. And the one beside it. And the one to his left, no further away than those in front of him.

Only the kid wasn't running.

Victor stopped in his tracks and turned, praying that he'd see an empty street behind him. His heart balked when the kid was still there, frozen in place.

He was pale with shock and blood streaked down his white, round face, matting his thick black hair. A lump of chub thickened his middle. He couldn't have been older than fifteen, but he looked smaller somehow in the midst of what was happening around him, younger. His eyes nearly bulged out of his skull with horror. _Could_ the boy even run? Victor suddenly wondered. He still wasn't moving - even as the screams from the house abruptly cut off in an unmistakable way.

Victor's teeth snagged his lip, glancing back down the street. The Titan hadn't noticed them yet. _Yet._ It wouldn't be long, just a matter of moments until it finished it's mouthful.

The boy couldn't be any older than fifteen.

 _The same age Victor had been when he'd needed saving too._

A groan tore from Victor's lips as his steps backtracked, going exactly against what all the adrenaline in his system was telling him to do. He couldn't help it though, skidding to his knees in front of the kid and grabbing his shoulders hard enough to bruise. The boy didn't notice.

Victor shook him. Hard. "What are you doing?" he gasped, the kid's body limp and pliant beneath his fingers. "You have to run! Get out of here!"

The kid didn't even blink.

Desperation stabbed at Victor, swallowing the nauseous lump in his throat and trying to ignore the burn behind his eyes. He was just a _kid..._

"You have to _go_!" he begged.

The kid just stared - right at the Titan slowly tilting its head up towards them, blood still oozing from its mouth. He started to shake. "My…my house…"

Victor's heart tugged. The kid was watching his world fall apart, his home literally crushed before his very eyes. The man under the wood, the one that had bought them precious time while the Titan ate him alive - the boy's father, perhaps? No wonder he was so shocked, so terrified…

The Titan rose to its feet, eyes locked on them. Victor's blood ran cold. He had to do something - but what? Even if he killed this Titan, he couldn't kill all of them.

"You have to go." Victor tried one last time, counting the seconds. "Get to the gate."

His hands shoved at the boy's chest and the kid sprawled back, slipping on the blood stained street and thudding down hard on the cobbles. Victor prayed it would jolt him back to life. He just needed to get the boy running. Once he was running, Victor could buy him more time. If he stayed, he was dead. Titans loomed either side of them now, noticing the prey sat there waiting to be plucked from the street. Victor's blood raced with barely contained panic, hearing the first pounding footstep behind them.

The boy still didn't move. "Vicchan…"

Victor almost wanted to cry as the boy just _lay there_ , tears glittering in his beautiful, big brown eyes that stared just a fraction over Victor's head. Suddenly, they shot wide.

That was all Victor needed to know they were out of the time.

His mind made up quickly; an arm scooped up the kid while the other kicked his ODM gear to life, hissing as the cord whizzed through the air. Victor braced himself for the pull, the drag of being launched through the air, his arm clenching hard around the catatonic child … he gasped as it hit, air whipping at his face and long hair tumbling behind him. He felt the sting at his skull as the silky strands melted through the monster's clutching fingertips.

 _That was close_ , Victor thought with stilled breath as they whizzed through the chaotic city, rooftop to rooftop. They weren't high, but they were high enough. High enough for Victor to spot the barge on the canal, loading with people beside Wall Maria. It was filling quickly.

He altered his course straight for it. The closer he got, the more he noticed just how few seats were left compared to how many people spilled from the streets, pushing against the line of soldiers running along the canal. They were desperate. Everybody was desperate.

Victor was desperate too.

His legs nearly buckled beneath him when they hit the ground again, running the second his boots made contact even though his knees felt like jelly. He prayed he could hold on, just long enough.

His hand slapped down on the nearest soldier's shoulder, wide eyes flashing with surprise when they turned. Of course, they knew who he was. Knew he shouldn't really be here. Victor didn't have time for questions now though, glaring through the thin curtain of silver hair falling in front of his face while he forced the child into the young man's arms. He needed to get the boy safe. He needed to _go._

"Get him on the boat."

It was blunt and brief, voice sharp and commanding. There was no arguing with Victor today. Not now. Not while they were running out of time. These boats needed to go.

"But, sir-"

"I said -" Victor's eyes snapped back to the soldier, blazing murder. "- _get him on the boat._ "

The soldier's eyes shot wide, flinching at Victor's tone. Victor half wished the boy would do the same but all he did was stare blankly back towards the wrecked remains of his home in the middle of the city being quickly overrun. Victor prayed that the boats could save him better than his own failing instincts had. What was the hold up anyway? Victor wondered as the soldier finally turned away, fighting through the crowd with the child in his arms.

Victor stepped ahead of them, shoulder carving a path through the people mercilessly. They didn't have time for politeness. The boat needed to go, and Victor needed to get the boy on the boat.

He could hear the clumsy soldier following behind him and turned his attention ahead of him, clearing a path to the gangway. It was blocked. An officer stood there, yelling at a man stood stubbornly on the gangway plank who yelled back just as furiously.

Victor quickly understood why.

"My son!" the man shouted, face red and sweaty black bangs wild around his eyes despite the neat parting cutting down the center of his head. Red dribbled down the side of his cheek. "I have to go back for him! Just hold the boat ten more minutes-"

"We don't have ten more minutes!" the soldier screamed back.

"Please! He was by the clock tower last I saw him-"

Victor stepped up to the gangway, pulling the soldier back by the scruff of his neck. "That part of the town is overrun." he said firmly, taking the soldier's place blocking the gangway and hitting the man with his hardest stare. "It's lost. This boat has to go. _Now._ "

The guy didn't look like the type that usually yelled, Victor couldn't help but think as the man staggered back a surprised step. He just looked too … nice. He was well dressed - albeit, currently speckled with crimson - had smart glasses, and his angry eyes blinked round at Victor's words, tears quickly swimming to the surface as the breath hitched in his throat. His face paled a shade. Victor felt bad for him.

But he didn't have time for sympathy. Not right now.

" _Yuuri_!"

The woman behind the - he looked like an innkeeper of some kind - suddenly screamed, shoving her husband aside with her arms outstretched. Towards Victor. Victor blinked, floored. Then-

" _Kaa-san!"_

Victor spun around at the tiny yell behind his ear and his heart skipped a beat when his eyes settled on the boy in the soldier's arms. He wasn't still anymore. He squirmed, and sobbed, and kicked, arms reaching out to the boat, to the woman, to his mother.

Victor passed him over.

Something stabbed at his chest as he watched the boy get swallowed up in his mother's arms, both trembling, both crying. Victor finally allowed himself a sigh of relief.

"H-have you seen Vicchan?" the boy hiccuped, wet eyes blinking round at his mother.

She blinked back, mouth falling open. "We thought he was with you."

Her eyes shifted to her husband, the question glittering in her gaze before she really _thought_ about what she was asking. The man didn't even need to shake his head. His wife's eyes darkened with understanding and she just held onto her son tighter as he howled against her shoulder, turning - mercifully - back onto the boat.

Victor's eyes followed them, until a hand on his shoulder distracted him. The innkeeper. His eyes shone with a new kind of tear now, swallowing hard. "Thank you." he hissed, fingers on Victor's jacket trembling.

Victor just pursed his lips, nodding stiffly. " _Go_."

He didn't see the boat go, but hoped beyond hope that those useless soldiers could do _one thing_ right at least. He hoped the boy would make it.

Victor unsheathed his blade, and ran back into the madness.

* * *

Years later, Victor Nikiforov was miraculously still alive. The heat of the campfire bounced off his face and reminded him of the glow of alcohol on his cheeks, bottle weighing heavily in his hand. He wasn't drunk. But he half wanted to be.

Welcoming the new wave of cadets into the squad had lost its thrill for Victor over the years. He was twenty-seven and alive - a combination that was rare in his field! It was starting to take its toll on him, watching countless new faces die before right in front of his eyes before he'd even had the chance to learn their names. Even after all this time, he still tried. He still wanted to know their names, even when he knew the inevitable would happen beyond the walls and he knew he would never get to put the knowledge to any use. He wanted to remember. It helped remind him that he was still human.

Even as his eyes scanned the ranks of new cadets that had signed up to the scouts and picked out the ones he thought would be the first to go when the time came.

His eyes settled on a dark haired boy rolling his sleeves up by the fire, cheeks red with the flush of alcohol and apparently arguing with an irritated Yuri Plisetsky. The newbie didn't look irritated though. The glow in his eyes was having the time of his life, legs swaying ever so slightly and eyes the tiniest bit unsteady as they glanced around him, but - _damn -_ that smile! It was absolutely adorable.

It made Victor's heart crack in his chest. A kid with eyes that shone so bright didn't belong on such a team, shouldn't see the horrors that awaited him on the other side of the wall.

Yuuri Katsuki wasn't weak though.

Victor had seen the look on the young man's face when they'd given the newly graduated cadets the _brutal_ truth of what joining their ranks might mean - and he hadn't even blinked.

He'd been _there_ , Victor had pieced together. When the world had gone to hell all those years ago and Titan's had crawled through the walls, Yuuri Katsuki had been there somewhere amongst the Hellfire, watching it all burn, watching the people he loved die.

Victor remembered that day vividly. That was the day he finally realised that all it was temporary; the towns and cities, the army, the walls… life as he knew it. It would all come to dust someday, at the hands of the Titans. He'd cut his hair because of it, a stark reminder to himself every time he looked in the mirror. Everything around him was only temporary. Even the people. Especially the people. All the recruits around this bonfire would be dead in… what? Three years? Five, if they were exceedingly lucky. So Victor didn't get involved anymore, didn't care about anything, didn't fight for anything. He just fought.

He sipped quietly on his grainy beer, watching with a sly smirk as Christophe danced - with _way_ too few clothes and _way_ too much inappropriate use of the ODM gear training posts. He nearly said something.

Until Yuuri joined in.

The beer suddenly tasted like ash in Victor's mouth as Yuuri shed the loose straps of his harness and pulled off his shirt, revealing the toned physique hidden beneath masked in glorious tanned skin. Bright brown eyes shone across the fire - right at Victor.

Victor was floored. He wasn't prepared for the hard thud of his heart in his chest or the dribble of beer down his chin as his bottle missed his mouth, too distracted by the dark haired beauty across the camp to really care. His mouth hung open in awe. A tiny voice in the back of his head barked in warning; reminding him that he was a _captain_ and the boy would probably be dead in a month anyway - Victor just batted it down, ignoring it. It wasn't like he was in love with the boy.

He was interested, that was all. Captivated - especially as his newest recruit stumbled his way across the campfire, clumsily reaching for his hand. When had Yuuri lost his trousers?

He pulled Victor to his feet.

Victor's body slapped against Yuuri's, feeling the warmth from the young man's chest oozing tantalisingly through his shirt and sucking in a sharp breath, tasting the alcohol reeking the air around Yuuri.

Still, he was beautiful. Too beautiful. Victor felt the air hitch in his lungs as the young recruit threw his arms around Victor's waist, burying his face in his chest - and he did absolutely nothing to stop it. The shaky breath that shuddered from Victor ruffled the short bangs hanging over his face. His eyes stared down at Yuuri, wide with shock and round with absolute awe. God, he was so beautiful, those plump lips just begging to be kissed…

Everybody built bonds at the bonfire, but Victor had seen enough people come and go to know better than to buy into his own scheme by now. Sure he had Christophe and Yuri from his own hometown, but he didn't make the mistake of caring for anybody else anymore. It would only end badly.

But Yuuri was _fascinating._ Throwing himself at Victor with absolute abandon, Victor felt his heart skip a traitorous beat in his chest every time Katsuki pulled them close to the tune the newbies struck up around the campfire, knowing that he should be mortified at the cadet's behaviour but too enamoured by those big, beautiful brown eyes to really care. It wasn't like he was in love with him; it was just … fun. Victor was having fun. He was allowed to have fun, right? He'd almost forgotten what it had felt like.

Then Yuuri dipped him and Victor damned near forgot how to breathe too. The air caught in Victor's throat. He shouldn't be doing this, he suddenly realised with a sinking feeling in his gut. He was a captain - Yuuri was a new recruit! It was unheard of. It was wrong.

But the way Victor's name rolled off Yuuri's tongue in a breathless sigh made it sound so, so right.

The camp thinned as the night wore on, fire burned down to smouldering embers instead of roaring flames. Victor barely noticed, lost in Yuuri's warm chocolate brown eyes.

He was drunk now, but not by alcohol. Something much, much more potent, shining from Yuuri's infectious smile. Whatever power Yuuri Katsuki held over him was one Victor happily surrendered to, relishing the curl of the cadet's fingers around his own as they danced on through the night like time didn't exist. Yuuri's eyes still gazed at him with a glow that Victor couldn't quite place.

Yuuri fluttered those ridiculously long eyelashes at him and Victor felt himself freeze. The blood rose to his cheeks in a tell-tale blush. Yuuri stared up at him with those beautiful, round brown eyes, cheeks red from the alcohol and leaning so heavily into Victor, Victor half wondered if he'd be able to stand by himself if his captain wasn't there to support him. His skin was warm through Victor's thin shirt, dark hair wild and mussed up.

"Be my captain, Victor!" he crooned into the toned planes of Victor's chest, pressing the length of his body against the captain's.

Victor swore quietly under his breath, unable to look away. The cadet in his arms looked an absolute mess.

And Victor was _completely_ and _utterly_ in love with him.

* * *

The thunder of hooves still echoed in Victor's head hours after he was back behind the relative safety of the walls, wide eyes staring distantly at the tiles across the shower room. It was better than the high pitched ring blaring in his right ear though, still throbbing from the cannon fire that blasted off right next to his skull as he'd galloped through the gates. A trickle of dried blood trailed down his neck from his ear canal.

Blood was everywhere; his hair, his face, his hands - the smell of it on his skin from seeping through his clothes themselves that heaped on the floor beside him… he couldn't bear it. Victor didn't dare think about how many bodies they had left behind in the Giant Forest.

He just prayed Yuuri Katsuki wasn't one of them.

He'd lost him.

Like an absolute idiot, Victor had lost him. He'd just tossed Yuuri the fuel cannister and bolted, barely able to look at the young scout without something in his heart breaking. It had been selfish, and childish, and… and Victor hadn't seen Yuuri ride back with their ranks. He'd looked - as much as he'd been able to, he'd looked. But he hadn't found any mess of tangled black hair or those adorable round cheeks anywhere when he'd scoured the return party and his stomach churned with dread.

He should have stayed with him. He'd given Yuuri fuel, but Victor remembered the way Katsuki's blade had clattered from his hand when Victor had plucked him from the ground, leaving him with nothing to defend himself but his own agility. And sometimes running just wasn't enough.

Victor felt sick.

He could have killed him. Maybe he had. He hadn't had the nerve to check the list of the dead for Katsuki's name when they got back for fear of the worst. He wasn't ready. Seeing it would make it real.

All the men and women on that list were his responsibility already and they were all faceless to him, unknown. Yet still Victor felt the weight of every single one of their deaths pressing down on his shoulders. The idea that Yuuri might be one of them, someone who wasn't a stranger to him, someone who made his heart flutter every time Victor so much as looked at him… his hands trembled at his sides, air stolen from his lungs.

Fear crawled up his spine, chilling and sharp. Yuuri swam in his mind; those once bright, beautiful brown eyes dull and sightless; that strong, lithe body broken and twisted; perfect lips parted around his last scream before the life was crushed out of him-

Victor staggered back in horror, arm teetering out wildly. Whatever it made contact with clattered to the tiles, the sound distant in Victor's ears.

He didn't care. He didn't care about anything if Yuuri was dead. What was the point? If the one person Victor cared about in this world was ripped from him in the most brutal fashion, the driving force for Victor to fight his damnest every day and maybe make the world that little bit safer for Yuuri, the reason he forced himself to survive even though he knew he longed deserved to just be left outside the wall and torn limb from limb for the wasted lives on his conscience… Victor wasn't sure he'd be able to bear it without Yuuri.

Even if Yuuri didn't feel a thing for him in turn.

The campfire was the last time Victor had seen that glorious smile flashed his way, the last time he'd felt Yuuri's strong arms around him. Now all he got was side wards glances and flushed cheeks. Nothing more.

Victor understood. Yuuri obviously regretted what happened between them at the campfire, obviously didn't want anything to do with Victor beyond his duties as a soldier. Victor understood. He was right; Victor was a captain and Yuuri was a cadet; Victor had endless blood on his hands, while Yuuri was doe-eyed and perfect; Victor was progressively duller and more weathered every day, while Yuuri was _beautiful._ Victor understood. But he didn't like it. And it didn't mean a thing - Victor's feelings for the cadet hadn't wavered an inch.

Vaguely, he started to notice the chill crawling up his spine and tingling at his fingertips. His fists had long since relaxed, not even enough strength to hold on to his frustration anymore. He should turn on the water. He should get dressed. He should do _something._

But he didn't. Victor just stood there in the shower cubicle, stunned and dazed, with cold seeping into his bones minute by minute despite the humidity of the room raising a sheen of sweat to his skin.

The ringing was still in his ears, still deafening. Maybe he was still rattled by the blast, brain knocked about in his skull still fragile and confused. Maybe that was why he felt like this, so sick with irrational fear for _one cadet that didn't even like him_! It was wrong. As a captain, it was wrong to spend so much time thinking about one scout.

But it was _Yuuri…_

Then Victor blinked, and Yuuri was there.

The breath hitched quietly in his lungs. Yuuri Katsuki stood in the doorway of Victor's shower cubicle, fully clothed and dripping wet. His white shirt clung to his body leaving nothing to the imagination and his wet trousers hugged his thighs, thick with muscle. Water dripped from his eyelashes. His wet hair was plastered to his forehead and his round brown eyes rimmed with red, though Victor couldn't tell how much of the water on Yuuri's face was from tears or the shower water.

Victor's heart stopped - Yuuri was an angel. Which meant that either Yuuri was dead, or he was, frozen from exposure or brain melted out his ear from the cannon fire. Yuuri was just too beautiful to be real, so radiant…

The angel's gaze flickered down, drinking in Victor's nakedness. It snapped up to the ceiling almost instantly, red flooding his cheeks and sucking in a shaky breath.

Victor swallowed hard, heart hammering in his chest. Angels didn't blush, he pieced together; real people did, with blood flowing through their veins thick with life. Tears welled in Yuuri's eyes, glittering under the clear lights of the showers. Did angels cry? Victor decided not, clinging to the illusion that Yuuri was _really there_ for just a heartbeat longer. For his own sanity.

He was just as perfect as Victor remembered - more so! The pretty blush on his cheeks was much better than the chalky paleness of fear he'd seen out in the Giant Forest. Dripping wet from the shower was better than being drenched in sweat from staring death in the face. Victor's eyes fell down to Yuuri's lips, relishing each shaky breath with an internal groan of appreciation to whichever gods out there were listening.

Yuuri was alive.

 _Alive!_

Victor's mouth fell open, but no words came out. He wasn't sure what to say.

He was just glad Yuuri was alive, more grateful than he'd ever been for anything in his entire life. His heart fired back to life just looking at the young cadet. It relished the rise in his chest, the flush of colour splashed over his cheeks, the vulnerable glitter in his wide brown eyes… Victor's chest ached with a whine that never passed his lips, choked down instinctively for Yuuri's sake.

Blood surged through Victor, to _some places_ more than others. He couldn't help it; he had Yuuri Katsuki - _alive_! - dripping wet in front of him, with damp clothes hugging his every curve leaving little to the imagination.

Victor knew he was staring, but he didn't care. He didn't care that Yuuri didn't like him. _Yuuri didn't care._ Victor said it over and over in his head, but it wasn't enough to drown down the swell of his heart in his chest, the heat racing through his blood. He wanted to touch him, impulse twitching in his fingers. He wanted to touch him, to feel Yuuri's pulse beneath his fingers and the warmth of his body pressed against his like it had been all that time ago at the campfire, just to prove to himself that it wasn't a dream. That Yuuri was really here. _Yuuri didn't care_ , he told himself for the hundredth time, fighting the urge. _He didn't-_

Victor reached for him anyway. His lips slammed hard against Yuuri's, soul crooning with satisfaction at the contact.

He would never let Yuuri Katsuki out of his reach ever again.


End file.
